So, you’ve decided to take the brilliant route of crafting your very own DIY resume. Congratulations, genius! You’ve just signed yourself up for the noble journey of getting your application thrown into the black hole of corporate rejection faster than you can say “ATS-friendly format.” Seriously, what could go wrong? Oh, right—everything.
Step 1: Open Microsoft Word (Or, Better Yet, Use Notepad)
Nothing screams “I’m the ideal candidate” quite like a resume written in Comic Sans or, better yet, a full block of unformatted text with zero spacing. Bonus points if you manage to stretch it to three or more pages because, obviously, hiring managers love reading your magnum opus of mediocrity.
Step 2: Forget About Formatting
Who needs clean, structured sections when you can cram everything into one long, glorious paragraph? Objective, work experience, education, skills—just throw it all in there like a bad stew. Recruiters love playing detective, trying to figure out where one section ends and another begins. Keep them on their toes!
Step 3: Use the Most Generic Buzzwords Possible
You are a hardworking, detail-oriented team player who thrives in fast-paced environments with a proven track record of success. WOW. Revolutionary. No one’s ever thought to use those words before. Hiring managers will surely pause, their eyes welling up with emotion, whispering, “Finally, someone who’s a go-getter!”
Step 4: Add Your Most Impressive Experience (From 15 Years Ago)
Sure, your most recent job was “freelance consultant” (aka unemployed and occasionally fixing your cousin’s laptop for beer money), but let’s focus on the real achievements—like that “Employee of the Month” award you won at your high school job at Subway in 2008. That was a pivotal career moment, and recruiters need to know about it. They crave it.
Step 5: Ignore Spell Check
Nothing says “attention to detail” quite like a resume riddled with typos. “Managed social medial campaigns” and “profesional comunication skills” are sure to wow hiring managers. Spell check is for amateurs. Real pros send their resumes out raw and unfiltered, like a true rebel. No rules, just vibes.
Step 6: List Every Single Job You’ve Ever Had
You know what’s impressive? A seven-page resume featuring every job you’ve ever held, including that two-week stint at an amusement park. Recruiters love nothing more than a detailed breakdown of your cash register responsibilities from 2005. Give them the full origin story, Marvel-style.
Step 7: Use A Headshot from Your Vacation in Cancun
Because nothing says “I’m a serious professional” like a blurry selfie of you holding a margarita with a sunburned nose. Extra points if you’re wearing sunglasses and the background has a hint of beach chair. The message is clear: “I’m both fun and wildly unqualified!”
Step 8: Include Your Hobbies (Because, Obviously, They Care)
Recruiters are desperate to know about your passion for collecting rare spoons and your undying love for competitive knitting. Definitely include it right at the top, maybe even in bold font. Let them know that when you’re not underqualified for the job, you’re out there being quirky.
Step 9: Forget About Keywords (The ATS Is a Myth, Right?)
Who cares about Applicant Tracking Systems (ATS)?! Those definitely don’t matter when your resume is getting tossed into a pile of 300 others. Go ahead and use creative job titles like “Master of Customer Happiness” instead of “Customer Service Representative.” The robots will surely appreciate your originality. “Revolutionary Algorithm Ninja” has a nice ring to it.
Step 10: Send It As a Word Doc From Your Totally Professional Email
Emailing your resume from hotstud92@email.com in an obscure file format like .WPS or .TIFF is a power move. If they can’t open it? Not your problem. Only real professionals know how to decode ancient file formats. And who needs a professional email when you can keep it real?
Final Thoughts (A.K.A. The Cold, Hard Truth)
Look, if you want to stay unemployed forever, by all means, DIY your resume using these foolproof techniques. But if you actually want to get hired? Maybe—just maybe—consider letting a professional handle it. Someone who understands ATS formatting, strategic keyword placement, and the delicate art of making you sound like the competent human you are.
Or don’t. That rejection pile isn’t going to build itself. Your call, Picasso.