Ah, the job search! A thrilling adventure where you get to be ignored by recruiters, rejected by automated robots, and told you’re “overqualified” for jobs that require you to breathe and type at the same time. But hey, why make this easier on yourself? Instead of hiring a professional resume writer, let’s explore all the rock-solid, completely logical reasons you should totally wing it!
1. “I Like the Thrill of Unemployment!”
Who needs a job, right? Waking up whenever you want, wearing pajamas all day, and dodging calls from bill collectors is peak freedom. Hiring a professional might actually land you an interview, and we simply can’t have that. What’s next—working for a living? Pfft.
2. “My Resume from 2003 Is Still Flawless!”
Sure, you wrote it on Microsoft Word 2000 with that stylish Times New Roman 12-pt font, and yes, it still lists your AOL email (because real ones know “xXDragonMaster97Xx@aol.com” is iconic). But why update perfection? A professional might tell you that including “Proficient in Windows XP” isn’t exactly a selling point anymore, but what do they know?
3. “I Love Rejection!”
There’s something magical about sending out 200 applications and hearing absolutely nothing back. It’s the suspense, the mystery! Did they ghost me? Did they burn my resume in a ritualistic HR ceremony? Who knows! A professional might improve your resume and ruin all the fun by actually getting you responses.
4. “I’m a DIY Master!”
You fixed your leaky sink with duct tape, cut your own hair with kitchen scissors, and once did your taxes by “estimating” (the IRS loved that one). So why would you trust a professional with your resume? Just slap some words together, add a fancy border, and call it a day! Hiring an expert is for amateurs.
5. “I Like My Resume To Be As Unique As My Handwriting!”
Why use standard industry formatting when you can freestyle? Employers love a good challenge—let’s see if they can decode that 5-paragraph intro about your childhood aspirations. Bonus points if you use a creative font like Comic Sans or Papyrus. Nothing says “I’m a serious professional” like text that looks like it belongs on a lemonade stand sign.
6. “ATS? Never Heard of Her.”
Oh, that pesky Applicant Tracking System—the evil robot that scans your resume before a human even sees it. A professional might optimize your resume with the right keywords and formatting to get past it, but where’s the fun in that? Let’s just hope the hiring manager personally rescues your application from the digital abyss. Hope. Pray. Repeat.
7. “I Like To Keep Employers Guessing.”
Why make your resume easy to read when you can make hiring managers work for it? No bullet points, no clear job descriptions, and definitely no quantifiable achievements. Just vibes. If they can’t appreciate the artistic chaos of your three-page, margin-less masterpiece, do you even want to work there?
8. “I’m Saving Money!”
Sure, investing in a professional might help you land a job faster, but why spend money when you can stay unemployed for free? Genius. And those extra months without income? Just think of it as an extended “personal development retreat” (a.k.a. watching Netflix in your sweatpants).
9. “I Want My Resume To Show Off My True Personality—Confusing and Chaotic!”
A resume should reflect who you are, right? So if you’re an enigma wrapped in confusion, let’s make sure your resume matches. Scatter random skills throughout, list irrelevant work experiences, and for extra flair—throw in a fun fact! Who wouldn’t want to know that you once ate 100 chicken nuggets in one sitting?
10. “Who Needs a Job Anyway?”
Jobs are so mainstream. Living off the land sounds pretty cool, right? If hiring a professional means actually getting employed, that just messes up your dream of becoming a self-sustaining hermit with a pet goat. Priorities!
So there you have it, folks! If you love rejection, obscurity, and confusion, by all means—avoid professional resume writers like they’re trying to sell you an extended car warranty. But if, for some strange reason, you’d actually like a job, you might want to reconsider. Just a thought. 😉