🚨 BREAKING NEWS 🚨
Your résumé is dead.
Not just dead—horribly, tragically, unceremoniously deceased.
Cause of death? Recruiter neglect. ATS strangulation. Hiring manager indifference.
Let’s not sugarcoat it, friend. Your résumé didn’t “get lost in the pile.” It wasn’t “unlucky.” It was MURDERED.
Now, as a high-pressure, over-caffeinated career coroner, it’s my job to perform the autopsy and tell you exactly why your poor, innocent résumé met such a gruesome fate.
🪦 Was it the formatting?
🪦 Did the ATS chew it up and spit it out?
🪦 Did a recruiter take one look and scream in horror?
Let’s unzip this body bag and find out.
☠️ CAUSE OF DEATH #1: Your Résumé Was an ATS Crime Scene ☠️
🚔 Offense: First-degree keyword neglect.
The Applicant Tracking System (ATS) is a cold, emotionless machine that doesn’t care about your hopes, dreams, or how you single-handedly kept your last company from crumbling.
It’s programmed to do one thing: Scan. Reject. Repeat.
And your résumé? It was DOA before a human even saw it.
💀 THE FATAL MISTAKE:
- No relevant keywords.
- Fancy formatting that confused the ATS into thinking your résumé was written in an alien language.
- Weird fonts (Did you… use Papyrus? You absolute maniac.)
- PDF vs. Word drama (Some ATS systems hate PDFs—and your résumé got ghosted because of it.)
💊 REVIVAL METHOD:
✅ Read the job description and steal its keywords like a resume-writing outlaw.
✅ Use simple, clean formatting (no text boxes, no graphics—just text).
✅ If you must be fancy, submit a Word doc AND a PDF just in case.
☠️ CAUSE OF DEATH #2: The Recruiter Took One Look and Said “Nope” ☠️
👀 Time of Death: 6 seconds after opening
That’s all the time you get. SIX. SECONDS.
Do you know what that means? That means if your résumé is a chaotic mess, it’s getting closed faster than an Internet Explorer pop-up in 2003.
💀 THE FATAL MISTAKE:
- Your résumé looks like a CVS receipt (WAY too long).
- Your job titles are confusing (Are you a “Customer Success Ninja” or a “Sales Rep”?! PICK ONE!).
- Your contact info is buried (Don’t make them hunt for your phone number like it’s the lost city of Atlantis).
- You listed high school from 20 years ago (STOP. PLEASE.)
💊 REVIVAL METHOD:
✅ 1-page, 2-page MAX. Recruiters are not reading your novel.
✅ Clean layout. Think Apple product packaging, not carnival flyer.
✅ Job titles that match the industry (Nobody is searching “Sales Alchemist” on LinkedIn, okay?).
✅ Contact info—BAM!—right at the top.
☠️ CAUSE OF DEATH #3: You Sounded Like a Corporate Robot ☠️
🤖 Diagnosis: Severe case of “leveraging cross-functional synergy to optimize strategic paradigms” syndrome.
Your résumé wasn’t read because it made the hiring manager’s brain melt.
💀 THE FATAL MISTAKE:
- You used every corporate buzzword known to mankind instead of writing like a human being.
- You wrote “Detail-oriented professional” instead of proving you pay attention to detail.
- Your bullet points read like a bad PowerPoint presentation from 2007.
💊 REVIVAL METHOD:
✅ Be clear, be real, be YOU. “I increased sales by 40% in 3 months.” BOOM. That’s what they want.
✅ Show, don’t tell. Instead of “team player,” write: “Collaborated with 10-person team to launch a project that increased revenue by $500K.”
✅ Kill the clichés. No more “hard-working go-getter.” We all are. Be specific.
☠️ CAUSE OF DEATH #4: Your Bullet Points Were… Embarrassing ☠️
🔫 Murder Weapon: Vague, uninspired job descriptions.
A bad bullet point:
❌ “Handled customer service duties.”
A good bullet point:
✅ “Managed 50+ customer inquiries daily, improving satisfaction rates by 20%.”
💀 THE FATAL MISTAKE:
- No numbers. Your résumé should have more stats than a baseball card.
- Too generic. If anyone on Earth could have written it, rewrite it.
- Duties vs. Achievements. Nobody cares what you were assigned to do. They care about what you accomplished.
💊 REVIVAL METHOD:
✅ Start every bullet with an action verb. (Increased, Launched, Optimized, Spearheaded, Rescued, Dominated—you get it.)
✅ Use numbers. (Increased engagement by 50%. Managed a $1M budget. Saved 200+ hours annually.)
✅ Show impact. What changed because of your work?
☠️ CAUSE OF DEATH #5: You Gave Off “I’m Desperate” Energy ☠️
⚠️ Warning Signs:
- Listing EVERY job since high school.
- Including “References Available Upon Request” (Recruiters know. They will ask.)
- Using an AOL email address.
💀 THE FATAL MISTAKE:
- You overshared. “2014–2016: Unemployed due to personal reasons.” WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM THIS?!
- You tried too hard. Listing Microsoft Word as a skill in 2024 is the career equivalent of bragging that you can use a fork.
- You applied for everything. Applying to 200 jobs in one day doesn’t make you “dedicated.” It makes you look desperate and random.
💊 REVIVAL METHOD:
✅ Keep it tight. Only list the most relevant jobs.
✅ Keep it clean. No need to explain career gaps, layoffs, or why you left your last job. That’s what interviews are for.
✅ Use a professional email. If your email is still partygirl1998@aol.com, stop.
🚨 FINAL VERDICT: CAN YOUR RÉSUMÉ BE SAVED? 🚨
Yes. But only if you act now.
You’ve seen what went wrong. You’ve witnessed the horrors.
Now, it’s time to revive your résumé and bring it back to life.
🏆 Rewrite it like a human.
🎯 Make it clear, make it strong.
🔥 Ditch the fluff, add the proof.
And if you do it right?
Your résumé won’t just survive.
It’ll land you the job.
🚀 Now go. Fix it. Before it’s too late.