You sit there, staring at the screen. Your mouse hovers over the “Submit” button like it’s the launch code for an ICBM. Your resume—your life’s work distilled into a bland, bullet-pointed nightmare—is about to be flung into the cold, digital abyss. You take a deep breath. Click.
And just like that, it’s gone.
You expect something. A response. A notification. A blinking cursor that says, “Congratulations, you are now employed!” But nothing happens. No trumpets. No confetti. No phone call from a grinning CEO saying, We’ve been waiting for you!
Nothing but the sound of your own blood pressure rising.
Welcome to the Resume Black Hole, a swirling vortex of HR nightmares, algorithmic rejections, and hiring managers who may or may not exist. Let’s take a horrifying, nerve-wracking, and oddly amusing journey through what really happens after you hit submit.
Stage One: The Algorithm Decides Your Fate
Your resume doesn’t land in the hands of a human. Oh no, no, no. That would be far too simple. It is first sacrificed to the great and terrible ATS (Applicant Tracking System), a soulless machine that reads your resume with all the warmth and understanding of a tax auditor.
It scans. It judges. It assigns you a score like some dystopian Black Mirror episode. If you fail to include the correct keywords, your resume is hurled into the digital trash, where it will rot alongside thousands of others, whispering faint cries of rejection into the void.
If you pass? Congratulations, you’re still in the game! Barely.
Stage Two: The Recruiter’s 6-Second Glance
If you’re lucky—and I mean win-the-lottery-while-being-struck-by-lightning lucky—your resume actually makes it to a real person. But here’s the bad news: they will look at it for exactly six seconds.
Six.
Not six minutes. Not sixty seconds. Six.
And in that time, they will make a snap decision about whether you are a competent professional or someone who was recently discovered living in a cave.
Here’s what their eyes dart over:
- Your name. Are you a person or an obvious scam?
- Your most recent job. Does it sound impressive or does it sound like you were fired for eating someone’s lunch?
- Your formatting. Is it clean and readable, or does it look like a Word document fought a bear and lost?
If you pass the test, you move on to the next level. If not? Well, let’s just say your resume is now floating somewhere in the shadowy depths of Never-To-Be-Called-Land.
Stage Three: The Hiring Manager’s Skeptical Eyebrow
If you survive the recruiter’s lightning-round judgment, your resume is thrown onto the desk of a hiring manager who has seen things. They have interviewed people who showed up in flip-flops. They have received cover letters addressed to the wrong company. They are not easily impressed.
Your resume lands on the stack—one of fifty. It sits there, blending in, while the hiring manager stirs their coffee and sighs heavily. They have a meeting in ten minutes. They are tired. They glance at your resume and one thing—just one—needs to grab them.
A killer achievement. A bold, I-actually-did-this statement. A WOW, WE NEED THEM! moment.
Otherwise? Back to the void you go.
Stage Four: The Committee of Doom
If you make it past the hiring manager, your resume is now thrown to the wolves. A hiring committee.
Picture them: a mix of department heads, skeptical supervisors, and at least one person who has already decided they hate everyone. They will now discuss your fate.
“What do we think of this one?” someone asks.
Someone shrugs. Someone else takes a bite of a bagel.
“Well,” another says, squinting, “they don’t have quite the experience we wanted.”
“But look! They’re a fast learner!” someone else pleads.
Silence. The bagel chewer nods. A vote is cast. You are either chosen for an interview—or tossed into the pile of the Almost Hired.
Which is a worse fate than being instantly rejected.
Stage Five: The Phantom Call (Or Deafening Silence)
If you make it this far, you should receive a call. But will you?
Maybe. Maybe not.
See, the problem is, companies are notorious for ghosting applicants—even ones they interview. Days pass. Then weeks. You refresh your email like a desperate ex. Every unknown number could be The Call.
Then one day, you see it.
An email. A real email.
And it says…
“Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to go in another direction.”
A scream rips from your throat. You collapse to your knees.
You were so close—but it doesn’t matter.
The black hole has claimed another.
The Only Way to Survive the Black Hole
Alright, deep breath. You’re not alone. The job search is brutal, yes, but it’s not hopeless.
- Beat the Algorithm: Use the right keywords, but don’t let your resume read like a soulless block of text.
- Hook the Recruiter: The top third of your resume should smack them in the face with your best, most relevant achievements.
- Impress the Hiring Manager: Write strong bullet points that show how you made an impact.
- Prepare for the Interview (If You’re Lucky Enough to Get One): If you get called, you’re already in the top 5%. Don’t blow it.
And most importantly? Don’t stop applying.
Because while your resume may have been lost in the abyss today, tomorrow?
You just might be the one who gets pulled into the light.
(Cue eerie music. Fade to black.)